Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

The problem lies not with genre but with formula, which consists of seeing genre conventions as restrictions rather than mere guidelines, ends in themselves rather than possibilities.

I always tell people that if you really want to know somebody, they should listen to that person's interview with me. I spend a lot of time with my guests.

Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward.

If we're for one another, we're feminists. The rest is semantics.

Sometimes you get so jaded, you don't have those initial connections and emotions with music, because you are promoting your own.

Even if I don't want to slow down, I'm slowing down.

We don't realize how much we create reality through language. If we say that life is hard, it will be hard.

Nothing is less promising than precocity. A young thistle is more like a future tree than is a young oak.

My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.

I have to admit, a manicured look works for me.