Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey? Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?

I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.

You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change

Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.

But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day.

If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image.

There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.

And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change.

Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.

I always felt like you had to be important to have enemies.

The mistake is to assume that the way it feels at the moment is the way it will feel forever.

You get exactly what you want, Anatole’s always suspected, only when you get it it’s no longer what you want, you need something else.

Never a lip is curved with pain that can't be kissed into smiles again.

I don't think my kids have to worry too much about me embarrassing them because that's not how I would want to grow up, with wacky dad showing up at school and performing for everyone.

It's never too late to change your luck

The purpose of pruning is to improve the quality of the roses, not to hurt the bush.

when you put something good into the world, something good comes back to you.

There is not a person alive who is not capable of greatly contributing to the well - being of this planet. Just changing your attitude can affect the world around you.