Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Learn to listen to subtle cues from your spirit instead of the barrage coming from your brain.

... We [can't] escape the influence of sin in the world, but [do] we have to pay money to see and hear it firsthand?

Sweet sixteen today. She's looking like her momma a little more every day.

A flat tax is roughly the same as a sales tax.

Death is the liberator of him whom freedom cannot release, the physician of him whom medicine cannot cure, and the comforter of him whom time cannot console.

When Europeans came upon real ruined cities they refused to believe that they had been built by Africans. Here the past has been distorted and denied.

Walk firmly and with joy, without being afraid of stumbling. All your movements are being watched by your allies that will help you when necessary.

Everything we have developed over the last 100 years should be destroyed.

Diversity hasn't a thing to do with why this country is great. Diversity is not a factor in any way when defining or explaining America's greatness.

Four hundred wickets is 400 more than I thought I'd get.