Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Next time I want to do something nice, slap me.

Sympathy is a characteristic trait of politicians and empathy an emotion of the masses.

The moral is the chosen, not the forced; the understood, not the obeyed. The moral is the rational, and reason accepts no commandments.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

The barriers are not erected which can say to aspiring talents and industry, 'Thus far and no farther.'

I went back to bumming around New York, writing freelance stuff for Car & Driver and such.

Money is a poor indicator of success.

An art critic is someone who hopes to see his ideas translated to canvas without having to learn how to paint.

Dawn comes before sleep does.

I'm a right-wing pundit and have been for many years.