Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

All mental unhappiness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering.

Not everything that is seen is visible.

Visualize what you want to do before you do it. Visualization is so powerful that when you know what you want, you will get it.

When poverty shows itself, even mischievous boys understand what it means.

A simple rule, to be followed whether one is in the light or not, gives backbone to one's spiritual life, as nothing else can.

Lenity is a part of justice; but she must not speak too loud for fear of waking justice.

Personally I have always liked boys, but if it's a girl, marvelous, because I was raised among women.

Prayer: the key of the day and the lock of the night.

All cultures have been mingled forever.

Rock saved me. You can break drums and scream out loud - if you do that in the street you get arrested.