Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

It is necessary to draw up a plan concerning your goals and your calling

We are beings who seek the infinity of beauty over the finitude of time.

It's hard not to respond when a master of the art of kissing is laying one on you.

Animals can communicate quite well. And they do. And generally speaking, they are ignored

An individual dies ... when, instead of taking risks and hurling himself toward being, he cowers within, and takes refuge there.

I've very fortunate to come from a great family who are extremely supportive of me and I'll always have them to fall back on.

Wise people are foolish if they cannot adapt to foolish people.

If some readers take away the idea that animals deserve better treatment in general, then I certainly won't argue.

It often happens that I have an idea, but then I try to fill in the intermediate steps and find they don't work, so I have to give it up.