Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked. "Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?" Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough.

Cassandra,” he said, “I hope you know that poaching Muppets is illegal in this country.

When I bite you, it'll be because I want to make your toes curl and your hair stand on end. And you won't need stitches afterward. You'll need crutches.

All you can do is hang in there and hope you don't get motion sickness and puke all over the newspapers.

The girl in me wanted to slap Lung across his face and yell, "Get your eyes off my sticky buns, ya creep!

Cool! Now I can steal some rich old coot's Ferrari and go fishing for marlin with the same piece of jewelry.

Sometimes things would be so much simpler if you could just pull out your gun and shoot the bad guy. Reason number seventeen why Indiana Jones is my hero.

Apparently you don't have to observe the Rules of Etiquette when reuniting with a muderous spouse.

Hey, if you decided to tear up the town, you can always use the leftover bread from my breakfast in place of your cane. I'm pretty sure it's hard enough to bust heads.

That's what I'd call him if he was my dog. Jacket-humper. Kinda had a ring to it. Although it seemed a little long for vet visits and intros to lady dogs.

There you go. Use your granddaughter to pick up women. That'll get you points in heaven.

Ask me again, once we defeat Gaea.

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

Every joke can't be dazzling. And if you think you spotted an inconsistency, you did!

The common people pray for rain, healthy children and a summer that never ends. It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as they are left in peace.

I do not believe that we can stop perfecting new ways of dying until we have found new ways of living. Every new life-way ought to prevent a new death-way.

Going through life without love is like going through a good dinner without an appetite -- everything seems so flat and tasteless.

I have made it clear that future candidates need to be completely understanding that they will be expected to vote pro-choice on any bills.

I Tweeted Keri Hilson the other day and she actually wrote back! I was so excited.

Chess players are madmen of a certain quality, the way the artist is supposed to be, and isn't, in general.

In fact, sometimes when I look at something my memory does work. I remember the panel where Alex Toth told me, "Mike, if you really don't understand all that, you don't need to put it on there."