Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I've always thought legal addictions are a great way to create a business. Starbucks is a wonderful example.

She herself is a haunted house. She does not possess herself; her ancestors sometimes come and peer out of the windows of her eyes and that is very frightening. from "The Lady of the Haunted House

The middle course is the best.

Courage is the rarest of all good traits

Going after 'the bad guy' has not been a real issue for me.

I'm acting with the best actors in the world.

Come dance with the west wind and touch on the mountain tops Sail o'er the canyons and up to the stars And reach for the heavens and hope for the future And all that we can be and not what we are.

The chief reason why the Christian believes in the divine origin of the Bible is that Jesus Christ Himself taught it.

One can be well-bred and write bad poetry

I can be a badass DJ when I want, but I am also an insufferable music snob.