Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

God is joy. Joy contains light that illuminates your entire being and those that come in contact with you.

You just never know when you're living in a golden age.

I think I really produce my best work in Iran.

You drive me crazy!" "You were always crazy. I just highlight it.

One rule is to not use complicated techniques unless they are necessary to achieve your goal. First, use simple movements, and if they don't work, then introduce the more complex ones.

What appears to be a breakdown can often be a breakthrough.... IF you understand God's grace

Nothing is irresistible. There is no feeling that is irresistible.

It's a privilege to work with an artist that you really care for.

A bumper of good liquor Will end a contest quicker Than justice, judge or vicar.

I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen.