Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?

If you just go with the flow, no matter what weird things happen along the way, you always end up exactly where you belong.

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything....

You can’t believe in fate only when it sends you something you want, only when things turn out right. You have to accept what fate sends you or doesn’t send you, no matter whether or not you like it.

"Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."

I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?

I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.

When you know what you're doing, you can do what you want." -Moshe Feldenkrais

Kids don't even read comic books anymore. They've got more important things to do - like video games.

What did I owe the rest of the world? Nothing.

All the Hollywood bullshit and accolades and money really doesn't matter. It just gives you a slightly nicer house and slightly nicer food and slightly shinier hair.

The harder you try to control your girlfriend the further you'll drive her away, so stop acting like a dumbbell.

You want calamities? What about the Ice Age? God made this world, but didn't complete it.

The press regularly proclaims my ambitions and my financial demands.

You must stop this interview now as I have come to end of my personality.

Even in an apocalypse like this, surely running out of Coke qualified as a disaster.

If it comes from Tom Hauser, it's the truth.