Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Have you ever noticed that our maximum loss of energy occurs when we try torestrain the flow of whatever that is coming from within?

O Lord, thy will be done in my life as it is written in Heaven in Jesus Name. Amen.

The feeling is often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one.

Three cheers for war, noble and beautiful above all.

A party in the orange grove. The pain on Linden's face is immediate. I am unwavering. He has cost me more pain than I will ever be able to repay.

When something happens people didn't predict, they find ways to explain it as if it were predictable.

You know, you could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him.

here's certain things that are similar to cats and dogs. Dogs are just hyper social and they have a want to please you way more than a cat does.

Grace is love that seeks you out when you have nothing to give in return. Grace is love coming at you that has nothing to do with you. Grace is being loved when you are unlovable.

I can't handle the paparazzi. They're everywhere. One of them was in a dumpster trying to take my photo the other day. It was crazy!