Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Self-confidence is divine force.

The truth is never dressed for the occasion.

A story. This was the key to immortality. The things that made kings quiver and deities distrustful: Nothing but a tale.

Tradition is not only bending down, or process of benign transmission. It is also a conflict between past genius and present aspiration in which the price is literary survival or canonical inclusion.

Not being able to do everything is no excuse for not doing everything you can.

Playing Bridge is a pretty old fashioned thing in a way that I really like... I do the dishes every night - other people volunteer but I like the way I do it.

Chasing after a pleasure to ease a pain is like running after a breeze to cool you down.

Pity the man who has a favorite restaurant, but not a favorite author.

We can both prevent asteroid impacts and address climate change. It's not either-or.

I see myself as the same person as I was, as I am now.