Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

Like the pioneering Muslim scientists, Al Bukhari insisted on an empirical, organized method in the science of fiqh and hadith

We cried. The bones and dust of our fathers cried with us.

Just because you spent 4 years studying a subject doesn't mean you have to spend the rest 40 years suffering it.

What's true about you is what God says about you. Not what your mirror says. Not what your past says.

To win you must pay the price. If you haven't won you haven't paid the price.

"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.

What a solace Christianity must be to one who has an undoubted conviction of its truth!

Stupidity often saves a man from going mad.

The true value of a big dream is who you must grow into to live that dream.

Unnecessary laws are not good laws, but traps for money.