'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Life might not always be as sweet as we desire for it to become, but it could come close enough if we consistently approach it with positive attitudes.

When you release a trauma on one level of your energetic being, you will experience relief on all other levels simultaneously.

Rapture is costly

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Love will come find you Just to remind you Of who you are [...] See that's the thing about love [...] Then life It will embrace you Totally amaze you So you don't give up

I think any time you get beaten down and rise back up again, you become stronger.

I don't take modern hip-hop as real. It's entertaining, it's fake, like James Bond.

He conquers twice, who shows mercy to the conquered.

I just love variety. I love being able to do different things. Do period pieces and sci-fi. I love being able to move between genres and be flexible.

Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be merciful and filled with good deeds, so that I may do only good to my neighbors.