"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Keeping ‘pure focused applied awareness of the Self (Soul)’ (shuddha upayog) is the same as being in the Absolute Supreme Self-form (Parmatma swaroop).

Were you always such a snake, " the child asked, "or did you grow into what you are?

What I love about Coulson is that he manages to do that and he manages to wrangle the diva superheroes, and really keep a sense of humor about it. And, you can tell that he really loves his job.

The more suffering you create, the more suffering comes to you.

One of the fathers saith . . . that old men go to death, and death comes to young men.

Truth is a point of view about things.

Creativity needs to be exercised to grow strong.

The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

The application process changes the list of who applies. Your applicants reflect your methods.

But then one day the Lord put us together through our agent and it's been a wonderful match.