Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Master thyself, seek to know thy soul.

I'd been so fascinated by the notion, that I'd forgotten to measure what it was bringing forth. I'd been asleep, dreaming.

Olivia: "Were you aiming at someone?"Alec: "...God, I think...

The greatest advantage of all is that when people think you're a witch, you can eat an entire serving of squash all by yourself.

Most people don't realize, I really have no faith in politics. I'm not a politician. If I thought you could change human hearts by laws, I would, but I don't.

I thought: This is not racing, it's a suicide mission.

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

If you look good, you feel good, and if you feel good, you do good.

Liberty, then, is the SOVEREIGNTY OF THE INDIVIDUAL.

Would I be healed now if you gave me your blood, Nikolai?” “Are you asking me for it?” “If I were, would you give it to me?