Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Tender, " she said again. "Tender is kind and gentle. It's also sore, like the skin around an injury.

I am a gym rat who loves to work out, particularly running, Zumba, yoga, cycling, and kickboxing.

Happiness is an activity of the soul in accordance with virtue

Ambivalence is like carbon monoxide - undetectable yet deadly.

I love that there's this tradition of being able to discuss the heaviest topics and the gnarliest stuff that goes down in people's lives in traditional Southern American music.

Men don't get knocked out, or I mean they can fight back against big things. What kills them is erosion; they get nudged into failure. They get slowly scared.[...]It's slow. It rots out your guts.

There are a great many people who do not understand things so there is no use in telling them.

We need to say goodbye to the traditional methodologies of corporate universities.

a struggle with shyness is in every actor more than anyone can imagine.

I don't do a lot of foisting, because when it comes to books I don't really like to be foisted upon.