Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm Catholic. I don't pray, I just ask for forgiveness after.

If this is how you feel about a desert, I can't wait until you see your first real tree. Your mind will explode.

Don't look too far ahead or you'll get overwhelmed. Just do the next apparent thing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get through this. And when you do, you'll feel great!

The creditor whose appearance gladdens the heart of a debtor may hold his head in sunbeams and his foot on storms.

With an iron-clad fist, I wake up and French-kiss the morning.

I have always been into music ever since I was a kid.

I was really into dancing, taking six classes a week, and my real dream was to be in a Broadway show.

I like the thought of playing for money instead of silverware. I never did like to polish.

In the landscape of extinction, precision is next to godliness.

[A] sick mind cannot be cured by the sheer force of persuasion.