Does it seem sometimes that you are always the one to break an embarrassing silence — and always by saying something more embarrassing than the silence?

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.

You can spend too much time wondering which of identical twins is the more alike.

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.

Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, "In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores. We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.

On a windswept hill by a billowing sea, my destiny sits and waits for me.

It is not that love is blind. It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.

When you take the high road you will see things that some people can't.

Yeah, well, you believe what you want to. I live in the real world.

Progress is learning to control your world.

The English murder their meat twice: once when they shoot it, again when they cook it. 'Drôle, n'est-ce pas'?

One must change one's tactics every ten years if one wishes to maintain one's superiority.

There is something decidedly faux about the camaraderie of Facebook, something illusory about the connectedness of Twitter.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

Maybe love isn’t supposed to be comfortable. Maybe love is just supposed to be worth it.

I knew that part of friendship consisted in accepting a friend’s shortcomings, which sometimes included his parents.

The things that really change the world, according to Chaos theory, are the tiny things. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazonian jungle, and subsequently a storm ravages half of Europe.