Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Where lowland is, that's where water goes. All medicine wants is pain to cure.

Woman is sacred; the woman one loves is holy.

I try to live by the principles the Bible speaks on.

Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

I'd love to do another television series. I really love the writing process, and as an actor I really like how much you get to examine in television.

He (Frank Robinson as Manager) can step on your shoes, but he doesn't mess up your shine.

The die has been cast.

I was a gymnast for years.

Mass civil disobedience can use rage as a constructive and creative force.

All of life is the exercise of risk.