Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself.

Hatchery fish have the same colours, but they always seem muted like bad reproductions of great art.

When we first started playing we did a lot of rehearsing. We used to write out everything. In fact, that's the way everybody rehearses: we play the tunes and improvise.

I've never had a penny through oil deals and no one has produced a shred of evidence that I have.

As a kid, I was a pretty good little sprinter.

The love we'd shared always burned within me, no matter how often I told myself to move on, no matter how much the world did think I'd moved on.

You left ground and sky weeping, mind and soul full of grief. No one can take your place in existence or in absence.

Character is the most precious gift of education.

I'm lucky to have had a father [John Lennon] who paid attention.