Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

Your actions will always be what the world sees, but people who choose to see through God's eyes will always have the compassion to understand why.

Reality is frequently inaccurate.

We ascribe beauty to that which is simple which has no superfluous parts which exactly answers its ends.

Stories are consoling, fiction is one of the consolation prizes for having lived in the world.

I'm glad that I never ended up killing myself, though I came close more times than I would like to admit.

I'd just like to retire quietly with dignity, secure in the knowledge that no more comedies will ever be made now that I'm gone.

Western civilization, because of fortuitous historical circumstances, has spread itself more widely than any other local group that has so far been known.

When hope makes friends With patience, Hope will be able To live indefinitely.

Basically, when I hear the words 'family drama' I run in the opposite direction.

But a haiku by Buson came into his mind: 'I try to forget this senile love; a chilly autumn shower.' The gloom only grew denser.