Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

When we lift our hands in praise and worship, we break spiritual jars of perfume over Jesus. The fragrance of our praise fills the whole earth and touches the heart of God.

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

My heart's been torn wide open, just like I feared it would be, and I have no willpower to close it back up.

I hated singing. I wanted to be an actress. But I don't think I'd have made it any other way.

You can't tell anyone anything. You have to teach people for them to remember. Let the person experience what you are teaching and they will learn.

God has a plan for you today: one designed to help get you to Heaven.

President Trump - God forbid - the country will be okay, I promise. I don't know exactly what the country will look like, but we will survive it.

How many things are there which I do not want.

I thought I wanted the truth, but I don't. The past is the past and it can't be changed. It's the future I'm interested in." -Gabriel McGregor

An enactment for the favour and liberty of the subject ought to have a liberal construction.