Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

How you feel after watching something indicates not what you watched but where you are at.

I've said my patience is not infinite.

Yoga does things with the human body that defy the imagination.

The best teachers are the best storytellers.

Accident counts for as much in companionship as in marriage.

No one should be afraid to be themselves.

Ladies and gentlemen are supposed to be looked after by others, like children and pets.

There were things that would irritate Casey, but trying too hard or getting mad at sitting on the bench weren't among them.

No one lives like a robot. We all make choices from the moment we wake up in the morning.

Somebody compared him to Billy McNeil, but I don't remember Billy being crap.