Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

If a book is well written, I always find it too short.

Small but growing is better than big and stuck.

The heart is heaviest when it’s emptyand lightest when it’s full

Ultimately, the only people who are in any way edified by hanging with famous people are you at the age of 11 and your mom.

We cannot give our children what we don’t have.

New angel mine, unhoped for in the world!

I always read the papers, the political bits.

Alas! the praise given to the ear Ne'er was nor ne'er can be sincere.

All the bloomy flush of life is fled.

Conflict is the primary engine of creativity and innovation. People don't learn by staring into a mirror; people learn by encountering difference.