Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

We are so busy with our everyday lives that we often forget how to live.

Perhaps you have visited my grave and flowers left, but did you hear me cry out to you!

Butler compared the tongues of these eternal talkers to race-horses, which go the faster the less weight they carry.

Invest in people who will take care of you when you're old.

There is not enough celebration of companionship. Relationships aren't just about eroticism and sexuality.

But I prefer to go to comedies. Give me Julia Roberts smiling anyday.

If I could just walk around and light the candles with my finger, that would be kind of cool.

I always thought if you worked hard enough and tried hard enough, things would work out. I was wrong.

There is nothing more beautiful than living a simple life in this complex universe!

I want to help promote Korean music around the world.