Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch...

I am in my own mind. I am locked in the wrong house.

The key to controlling your own political party, so that it does not eat you alive, is to realize that while Democratic and Republican leaders differ sharply, their voters do not.

The Rich knowes not who is his friend. [The rich knows not who is his friend.]

If you try to use your head to think about things, people don't want to have anything to do with you

If you do good in secret, Allah will shower His good on you in public.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

I didn't have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.

Any eye is an evil eye That looks in on to a mood apart.

Keeping the commandments . . . is at once a demonstration of our intelligence, our knowledge, our character, and our wisdom.

Grant us brotherhood, not only for this day but for all our years - a brotherhood not of words but of acts and deeds.