Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself.

I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

K is for "Kenghis Khan"; He was a very nice person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere.

In these days of widespread illiteracy, functional illiteracy... anything that keeps people stupid is a felony.

The world is turning into a cesspool of imbeciles.

You must never be afraid to go there.

They minute people fall in love they become liars.

Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste?

Dreams are reality for the subconscious mind, but wisdom is the perception of knowledge. Wisdom is the internalization of knowledge.

Don't fear mistakes, they are your stepping stone to success

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The offshoring of American jobs by global corporations and the deregulation of the U.S. financial system have resulted in American economic failure.

Cats and I have an understanding, but we choose not to interact often.

I couldn't tell people what I wanted to do because I was from Atlanta. You don't tell people you're gonna be a comedian in Atlanta. That means you ain't gonna do nothing.

Tell of his wondrous faithfulness, And sound his power abroad; Sing the sweet promise of his grace, And the performing God.

When you take a picture of someone, never show it to them right away. If they don't like it, they may erase it.

Being a wrestler is like walking on the treadmill of life. You get off it and it just keeps going.

The male corporate model is built on a mans greater willingness to be a slave of sorts - especially once he has to provide for children.