Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If I'm afraid to fall then how will I ever fly?

I am mission and must complete it.

You take what you can get, I reckon. You take what you can get.

Of all the things you can now do, which do you choose to do?

In prosperity God is heard, and that is a blessing; but in adversity God is seen, and that is a greater blessing.

You may hate gravity, but gravity doesn't care.

You don't reward reaction; you reward results.

I'm not one of these guys who says 'Now I'm on a really hot show. Better quit soon before I get labeled.' That's the most ridiculous notion I'd ever heard.

Few things are more damaging to our democracy than a military officer who doesn't have the moral courage to stand up for what's right or the moral fiber to step aside when circumstances dictate.

Conflict is what creates drama. The more conflict actors find, the more interesting the performance.