Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Kant takes a free will to be a being or substance with the power to cause a state of the world (or a whole series of such states) spontaneously or from itself.

Individuals who are uncomfortable with themselves sometimes emit vibes that make others uncomfortable.

My dad was a musician, it was just what he did, like another guy's dad drives a meat truck. Our house was normal. We weren't taken with the fact our dad was a musician.

A thousand deaths would still be less than he deserves.

I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation,” he said, “and I am sure he will perform it admirably.

For the average person walking down a dark street late at night, a promise from a politician is worth far less than a .38 Special.

She's been there for me in a lot of ways, and she really is just the most dependable and loyal and funny as all get out. I mean, she just cracks me up. Constantly.

That audience embrace has unbelievable power.

How many thoughts float in and out of your head without your stopping to identify them? How many ideas and insights have escaped because you forgot to pay attention?

I was reading all these male writers who were doing wild and wonderful things. It gave me permission to experiment.