Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on...you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

I have no doubt that Taylor Swift will call one day after suffering writers block: "Alfa, I was told that you were the person to call." I gotcha girlfriend.

Today, it's about gender equality, not neutrality. Anyone who doesn't agree would be a bit of an idiot.

I've grown up a little bit. I'm almost 40 years old now. But everyone was introduced to me when I was 18 and I looked like I was 15. I've been around a long time.

If I get a cold, it lasts for a month.

When you inherit the level of economic catastrophe that President Obama inherited, it was a real touch-and-go situation.

People always get used to beauty though.

I think we have reason to thank God for Abraham Lincoln. With all his deficiencies, it must be admitted that he has grown continually.

I look placid, you see, that's why people think I'm fine. Inside I worry a lot.

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.