Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The paper burns, but the words fly free.

We need never be bound by the limitations of our previous or current thinking, nor are we ever locked into being the person we used to be, or think we are.

sometimes the past is the best memories you lived ever cause it'll never repeat again

Fixed principles of truth are the only safeguard for youth.

When the sciences are supreme, average people lose their feeling of causality.

While cats can be infuriating, little old women in fur coats, they make me laugh. Of course, dogs, horses and my highly social chickens are dear to me, too.

For the first time ever, everything is in place for the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ.

Call no man a foe, but never love a stranger.

You can transmit a thousand times more information.