Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Life is never a fast track. But a force of faith.

The foolishness of youth with the cynicism of age is a dangerous combination.

Real results will emerge when we realize the power of combined individual actions and voices to effect change.

Clover was a stout motherly mare approaching middle life, who had never quite got her figure back after her fourth foal.

Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.

There's been a lot of really cool stuff that's happened to me throughout my career, and I remember everything, but I don't think I savored every moment of it like I should have or like I do now.

The Masters is going to be an awesome challenge.

When I read it ["Tough Guys Don't Dance"], I don't wince, which is all I ever ask for a book I write.

Part of being a writer is knowing when what you write is really bad.

A good poem is like a bouillon cube. It's concentrated and it nourishes you when you need it.