Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

We can tell a lot about a creature's level of consciousness by understanding their perception of death.

A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others.

I don't know if paradise or hell exist, but I'm sure hell is more groovy.

In another couple centuries I'm sure that worldview won't even exist. There's no evidence for it.

Discrimination involves reflection and absorption.

A man may acquire a taste for wine or brandy, and so lose his love for water, but should we not pity him.

Thoughts and prayers go out to Michael Weiner's family. A great leader and man. Going to be missed.

That's what faith is - that belief that there's somebody there that's going to help you and push you and be that person that is there for you when you're in your deepest, darkest moment.

I'm not very pious about anything, fortunately, but I'm skewering myself first. I'm skewering things that I care about and things that are important to me and then just my own foibles.

Go into emptiness, strike voids, bypass what he defends hit him where he does not expect you.