[Donald] Trump saying I haven't invited [A-listers], I don't want 'em, I want the real people here. Got the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

Truth and justice are commonly found in the personality of the paranoid delusional

After ten pages I felt that Nietzsche was reading me, not I him.

And if I tried to give you something else, something outside myself, you would not know that the worst of anyone can be, finally, an accident of hope

There are certain bits in my act that will never change.

Once water charges are in place they will only go up. This has been the history of all these charges

His mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the Berlin Wall.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

It can be said unequivocally that good teaching is far more complex, difficult, and demanding than mediocre research, which may explain why professors try so hard to avoid it.

Maybe we should raise our voices, ask somebody why. But demonstrations are a drag, besides we're much too high.

I just want to be able to get onstage and move and move around.