During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Truth is the ultimate power. When the truth comes around, all the lies have to run and hide.

The lifestyle you live is a function of what you have discovered

Superstition has its practical uses.

Human imagination is immensely poorer than reality.

Let your tears fall because of sin, but, at the same time, let the eye of faith steadily behold the Son of man.

Fanaticism obliterates the feelings of humanity.

The first band I identified with from Chicago was the Muddy Waters band.

I can only think of one wacky best friend who I thought was awesome: Rhys Ifans in 'Notting Hill.' He really nailed the wacky best friend.

I'm not homely enough to play the nerdy girl and not nearly pretty enough to play the pretty girl.

Sometimes when you're writing on a ukulele, you're in a totally new land, rhythmically or melodically.