ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.

Thou shouldst eat to live not live to eat.

Love is our response to our highest values. Love is self-enjoyment. The noblest love is born out of admiration of another's values.

I think generally I'm kind of interested in subjective experience, what goes on inside someone's head, that being all they really know of the world.

Also, of course, I need my Dove soap. Of course I need my cocoa butter. I need my Listerine. I need the white Jockey tees. They are really soft and comfortable.

Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife.

For many years I was a self-appointed inspector of snowstorms and rainstorms and did my duty faithfully, though I never received payment for it.

there is nothing sorer to the spirit than falling below what one's lover thinks of one.

But winter lingering chills the lap of May.

The holiness of God is traumatic to unholy people.