EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Each one of us has hated his or her parents at some point in early life … how quickly we turn around our feelings determines our extent of success.

All kinds of magic are out of date and done away with, except in India, where nothing changes in spite of the shiny, top-scum stuff that people call 'civilization.

Never lose time in sending the scapegoat to the slaughterhouse.

Stay away from her.""Okay.""Keep your hands off her.""I'll try."He scowled at me."I will, " I said.

Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution.

The Church is a house with a hundred gates: and no two men enter at exactly the same angle

I am all for changing, even if mistakes are made in the process. Mistakes do not matter.

Honest songs aren't written for money.

Everything, in the end, comes down to timing. One second, one minute, one hour could make all the difference.

I had a prostatectomy in the fall and fortunately it was encapsulated and I didn't have to go through chemotherapy.