Each child should be more intelligent than his parents.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it.

True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business.

I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose.

A criminal is someone without the capital to incorporate

I am not afraid of any god in the universe who would send me or any other man or woman to hell. If there were such a being, he would not be a god; he would be a devil.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.

I've always loved butterflies, because they remind us that it's never too late to transform ourselves.

I like a colorful sock. I'm a sock man.

I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

Track is full of the absolute nicest and most polite athletes in all of sports, and where does it get us?

Nobody will ever hurt her. She’ll just smile her faint vague wonderful smile and walk away.

I have less control over how I'm cast and the jobs that I get than people would imagine. Most of us don't have control over that, but I think it's a preponderance of your body of work.

Remembrance is the secret of reconciliation.

That's why I don't listen to other people on the radio, never have, 'cause I don't want to inadvertently, even unaware, end up repeating something somebody else has already said.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.