Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I'll take the cemetery, " Kane said. He didn't sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. "The club might collapse if I go.

Liking me is optional. . .Respecting me is not!

I experience transcendence when something infinite reminds me I am finite.

As a general rule, I am opposed to tax dollars being used for – well, damn near anything, barring mail delivery, law enforcement, and heavy artillery.

All things have rest: why should we toil alone, We only toil, who are the first of things.

Nature is a dictionary; one draws words from it.

The printing press was at first mistaken for an engine of immortality by everybody except Shakespeare.

I refuse to be typecast, and I'll have a go at anything so long as it's different, challenging, hard work and demands great versatility.

Horror movies are always a solid dollar. But a movie about Groucho Marx is a gamble. These things just are. Doesn't matter who you are.

When the room brightens when you walk in, you matter.