Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Maybe one day we’ll find that place, where you and I could be together and we’ll catch our dreams within the waves of change. So hear me, you are not alone.

Man is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight

I don't even think Hillary Clinton's loyal to Bill Clinton, if you want to know the truth. And really, folks, really? Why should she be, right?

Her big heart did not, as is so sadly often the case, inhabit a big bosom.

I have a problem with objectifying women, but I don't have a problem playing a guy who objectifies women.

There are persons whose only merit consists in saying and doing stupid things at the right time, and who ruin all if they change their manners.

No endeavour is in vain; Its reward is in the doing.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

God is too big for just one religion.

Happy thou that learnest from another's griefs, not to subject thyself to the same.