Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old age.

Recall that the minimum wage was initially conceived as a method to exclude undesirables from the workforce.

Sometimes God doesn't deny, he delays.

The most pernicious of all taxes are the arbitrary.

It is our freedom to progress that makes us all want to live and to go on.

My pride had been starched by a family who assumed unlimited authority in its own affairs.

The purpose of prayer is to reveal the presence of God equally present, all the time, in every condition.

Putting women's traditional needs at the center of social planning is not reverse sexism. It's the best way to reverse the increasing economic vulnerability of men and women alike.

It is fear that is the cause of our woes, and it is fearlessness that brings heaven in a moment "The earth is enjoyed by heroes" - this is the unfailing truth.

One cannot use an evil action with reference to a good intention.