Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

We, as children of God, have an advantage over the world

I'm so proud of you that it makes me proud of me. I hope you know that.

I would thank God, but I don't believe in it.

We "chicks" have munched our popcorn while romantic comedies became just comedies, and then each female protagonist got recast for Mathew McConaughey or Seth Rogan.

When times are difficult, I tell myself, 'I'm just passing through.'

You should never read online comments if you want to keep thoughts above the belt.

Solve all your problems through meditation.

That's all the freedom we canhope for - the freedom to choose our prison. [...]

In life, we all get scored on every day. The wonderful thing is, if we do our best with courage and tenacity, we might be outscored but we can never be beaten.

Silence, the great Empire of Silence: higher than all stars; deeper than the Kingdom of Death! It alone is great; all else is small.