Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Dragons have been known to have staring contests with mountains. They usually win.

The question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth? And the answer is not very damned many.

We must kill the false woman who is preventing the live one from breathing.

Life can be real tough... you can either learn from your problems, or keep repeating them over and over.

Most good fiction also has a character the writer seems to know more deeply than anyone can actually be known in life, but a few unusual writers can make something great without that.

All of us were tuned in during our early development but we lose our connection to intuition over time as other things come into play.

Whoever says he is without sin is a liar or is blind.

Don’t try to make a product for everybody, because that is a product for nobody.

One ought to sink to the bottom of the sea, probably, and live alone with one's words.