Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Time is a teacher.

For the record, I want to be anywhere you are, " he murmured in her ear, so close he might as well have run his tongue along it.

We are the authors of our destinies. No one can see the vision any clearer, believe in and work any harder to make it a reality more than the visionary.

Love has not a value, though we treasure it dear, it's worth more than gold, that's why I keep you so near.

Man, when I'm riding with the helmet on, I'm invisible. And people just deal with me as the guy on the bike... it gives you a chance to read 'em.

When men can be made to hope, then they can be made to win.

The whole pleasure of being in a state of unknowing is that as long as you don’t know, all possible outcomes feel as if they are happening.

And I know it's over, but it's the same way I felt when you broke up with me.

Dancing is my obsession. My life.

No Chess Grandmaster is normal; they only differ in the extent of their madness