Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Without love, life is empty and has no beauty.

I don't believe in worry. It doesn't change the outcome, but it make the now miserable, so I don't do it.

I think mostly it's the adventure that I will have in making the movie. That's what I look for.

Fly without wings; Dream with open eyes; See in darkness.

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not.

The greatest of the arts is the conquering of men.

Sometimes what is most important to us is not obvious and can be seen only by how we respond to our husbands in everyday life.

I'm Opera Singer. I can sing Brecht, Weil.

In the best of relationships you have two people who cannot think of anything that was not part of the deal.

The heavens are now seen to resemble a luxuriant garden, which contains the greatest variety of productions, in different flourishing beds.