Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

God gives us opportunity to serve him by serving humanity.

be good to yourselfyou're the only youyou'll ever get

Mud-pies gratify one of our first and best instincts. So long as we are dirty, we are pure.

We're not meant to be perfect. It took me a long time to learn that.

My mom was a social worker. I had a pretty good idea of what the authorities can do when a parent's not around.

The atheist must abandon his defensive positions, take up the cudgels and go forward, rather than into the retreat of apathy.

No one's born with their destiny stamped on their forehead ... we make the choices to fulfill our destiny.

Life brings with it strangeness and surprises and upsets

[Whenever] you get near the human race, there's layers and layers of nonsense.