Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

If there were something that Mother Nature or God could do with money, She or He would have sold immortality to the rich a long time ago.

The human landscape of the New World shows a conquest of nature by an intelligence that does not love it.

I assemble my ideas in pieces on a computer file, then gradually find a place for them on a piece of scaffolding I erect.

Eloquence dwells quite as much in the hearts of the hearers as on the lips of the orator.

I'm not a big fan of being a victim. I don't like getting beaten up.

...if you are one tardy away from missing out on a big competition, you should probably make your coffee at home.

When I was at Brown. In other words, I'd heard about [H.P. Lovecraft], but I didn't pay that much attention till I happened to go to a meeting about it. And then I got just totally turned on.

Biologically, man is still the great amateur of the animal kingdom; he is unique in his lack of anatomical and physiological specialization.

For works of the mind really great there is no old age, no decrepitude. It is inconceivable that a time should come when Homer, Dante, Shakespeare, should not ring in the ears of civilized man.