Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The living sinners on deadly ground.

Let the base louder...!?

Empty-brained triflers who have never tried to think, who take their creed as they take their fashions, speak of atheism as the outcome of foul life and vicious desires.

I like to think that I'm a sort of poet for our times.

Poverty is very good in poems but very bad in the house; very good in maxims and sermons but very bad in practical life.

Omygod, I haven’t got years. I’ll have to hide in the Bat Cave.” “Once you go to the Bat Cave it’s forever, babe.” Eeek.

To build a more healthy, peaceful and equitable world the classrooms of the world have to be full of girls as well as boys.

women have no existence except in love; the history of their life begins and ends with love!

Be contented with whatsoever is; never ask for more. The moment you ask for more you have asked for hell. The moment you ask for more you have asked for misery. The desire for more creates misery.

My academic schedule is lighter this year because it's an Olympic year.