Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Dreams were frail things, when all was said, and loneliness the only certainty.

Your current situation and workplace are your personal mission field. Why? Because you can reach people a church can't. You're on the front lines!

Beware what you speak, ' said the Merlin very softly, 'for indeed the words we speak make shadows of what is to come, and by speaking them we bring them to pass, my king.

America is false to the past, false to the present, and solemnly binds herself to be false to the future.

I tend to have to just get away from it all, so it is nice when touring to be able to come home for a week or two and close the door and not really see anybody.

Jails and prisons are designed to break human beings, to convert the population into specimens in a zoo - obedient to our keepers, but dangerous to each other.

I do not believe that the government is in any position to say exactly how every single business and every single activity shall reach those performances.

The craft of the novelist does lie first of all in story-telling.

Consumers all over the world will be able to flip open their phones and see their favorite Warner Music videos.

You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.